Frequently Asked Questions

• How quickly does a lime decompose a corpse?
• How gay are Craig’s shoes?
• WHATTT?!!
• “Any job openings for a mongoloid heed?” – Joe
• WTF is Farmville?
• Who decided on the name Homo erectus?

Holidays Nominated to Replace Columbus Day

• Leif Erikson Day, my true nigga
• Andrew Shaved His Balls Day
• Christmas! Now!
• That’s So Raven’s Day
• Apathy Day… Maybe
• Alan is Back Day

What Billy Mays is Selling in Heaven

• Oxi-Clean: All that white makes for an amazing market, business has never been better, fuck yeah cocaine
• Tickets to Globetrotters games
• Children’s unread letters to God

What Are We Getting The Obamas For an Anniversary Present?

• Apple-Cinnamon Yankee Candles
• A deep dicking (for both)
• An eviction notice

Reasons Why I’m Beating Your Mother

• She didn’t rewind Ghost Busters
• ‘Cause she’s Rihanna
• She knows why
• She gave my dyslexia

Why This Year is Going to Be Different

• I finally bought a salad spinner
• Even that clever homeless guy on Broadway got a haircut
• My cancer is in remission
• They finally have some cute non-slutty Halloween costumes
• Both parents are dead and can finally start fucking dudes

What Ch’yall Got Goin’ on For Yom Kippur?

• Protesting against Ama..amadena..ji.amadinaj..ah fuck it
• Grappling for further control of the world’s financial institutions
• Free, arbitrary circumcisions
• Avoiding calls from my mother
• I’m tired.

Our Amendments to the Health Care Bill

• Legalize it brahhhhhhhh
• Free iPod Nano with purchase of public option
• Give everyone Vicodin so they’ll be super smart like Dr. House. He’s so smart.
• Homeless people will be blended into protein and vitamin-rich shakes
• No fat chicks

Next NYU Budget Cuts

• Sexton will be flying business class rather than business elite on his weekly flight to Abu Dhabi
• WSN forced to use AM New York’s crossword puzzle
• No more NYU-branded waffles
• Only beasters and middies, no headies or super deez
• No more railings, the kids get over them anyway
• John Sexton Donkey Show

What’s Replacing the Catholic Chapel Next to Kimmel

• Take Back NYU Memorial
• Center for Crumping and Screaming at The Movie Screen Multicultural Center
• The Bernstein Bears Center for Jewish Life
• Wailing Wall
• Cracker Barrel