Nicknames for My (male or female) Genitalia

• Dusty Springfield
• Steve Buscemi
• The Rape Whistle
• The Hand That Feeds
• Muggsy Bogues
• Admiral Cockbar (It’s a cunt, baby)

Interesting Matchups

• Josh’s butthole vs. Black hole for most massive void in space time continuum
• Mark Teixeira vs. Sean Penn in I Am Sam retard-face contest
• John Sexton vs. Muhammad the Prophet for influence in Abu Dhabi
• Yankees fans vs. The City of San Francisco for biggest assholes contest
• Genghis Khan vs. Kaiser Wilhelm for pointiest hat
• The People vs. Chipotle
• Sonic burger vs. my raging pot-induced munchies
• Childhood innocence vs. Creepy Uncle McTouchesalot

How Many Copies of The Plague Should We Print?

• 5, one for each of the staff members’ moms
• 1 MEGAPLAGUE
• NO BAEDEKERS
• Enough to barricade Program Board in their own room
• Enough to reach every civil rights organization on the Eastern Seaboard
• 525,600 ah fuck it. I hate Rent but I’m outta numerically themed jokes. Deal with it!
• Enough to fill Sexton’s massive, gaping… need for NYU themes satirical bi-annual publications

What Makes Us Puke

• Hippo cock
• Patron the drink
• Patron the mexican drunk
• Patrons of Johnny Rockets
• Fat hipsters
• Google image search of syphilis
• The surgeon squeezing my stomach

Recession Foods

• Reheated refried beans
• Shit and lettuce
• Just throw some fucking salt on it
• Just throw some fucking D’s on it
• Whatever’s left in the dumpster at Denny’s
• Corn on the feet
• Pre-prepared Gristedes meals

Advantages to Being a Furry

• Get to hang out with Dean Braithwaite at all functions
• Is that a second tail or are you just happy to see me?
• No one will notice the syphilis
• Makes my job at Disney World way more exciting
• Can blame rape on being in “heat”
• FUCK KEN JENKINS
• Valid and accepted reason for suicide
• Because, otherwise, fucking on top of a bear is kind of weird
• Knowing what Chuck’s dick tastes like

Halloween Regrets

• Too much lace, not enough skin
• Ignoring weather report, insisting on paper mache
• Going to a Yankees game still dressed as a decent person
• Hooking up with a girl dressed as Kill Bill, finding out it was a German dude in a jumpsuit
• Don’t just stare at it, eat it!
• Hooked up with a girl, puked in her mouth so she started puking, turned into an endless puke fountain.
• Getting the rage and not spreading it.

New Deodorant Scents

• Virgin
• Williamsburg Musk
• A-Train Stank
• Hood Rat
• Wet New York

New Illnesses

• Pizza Face
• Poker Face
• Tracy Morgan Disorder
• PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR!
• Swine AIDS

Lesser Known Side Effects of Ambien

• Increased heat vision
• Steve Martin
• Flagrant racism
• Inward boners
• Horse-sized dick
• Dick-sized horse
• Attending a showing of Where the Wild Things Are and audibly crying
• Spontaneous fisting