The Plague Presents: Union Square News

Watch it here.

Things I Will Look Back On Fondly From The Plague

• All the times Nick said he would shit on someone’s dick
• Free pizza
• Hangin’ out with my best buds and sharing disgusting videos
• Discussing the changes that semen would undergo if it were released in either a gaseous or frozen form
• Feeling like a part of something bigger than myself, then realizing that my name is in the same magazine as Muzzy Ebonics

So that’s it. My last blog post. Next year, you’ll be in the semi-capable hands of Craig Cannon (boom)… if he can guess the password.

We’ve had some laughs, some typos, and a lot of dick jokes. What’s next for me, you ask? I’m going to go to Harlem and try to join DipSet. Or whatever remains of DipSet.

<3 forever,

Joseph Schechner, Plague Blog Enthusiast

What Joe Will Do When He’s Fifty-Four

• Blow
• Move on to victim #16
• Kick Todd out of his attic already
• Finally eat those six cookies after taking out his dentures
• Be a one-eyed cat lady
• Get Nick to leave his 17-year-old granddaughter alone
• Try to tell a cool story about when he was 22, realize they all suck

Ways To Improve NYU Dining Halls

• Make them Nightmare Before Christmas themed
• Start serving cooked rat – it’ll be more nutritious and improve the health board rating
• Body shots off John Sexton
• Set them on fire
• Clone Sylvia

What Is Sinbad Wearing Today?

• Windbreaker
• More windbreaker

How to Disappoint Your Parents

• Being the fatter daughter
• Just straight up murder them
• Leave your whittled dildo in the living room
• Be Joe
• You don’t need a damn list, you’ve been doing it just fine, son

A Graceful Loser…

• Is what B.B. would be if he were a ballerina
• Shits on your chest, not your dick
• Doesn’t go back to Chris Brown
• Crysturbates with pride

Don’t You Just Hate…?

• Errant racism
• Baggins; we hates it forever
• How underrated Ernest is
• …having to chop vegetables by hand? Get the Slap Chop!
• The Swiss; they’re so indifferent
• The last 110 minutes of Saving Private Ryan
• When someone in the elvator presses the ‘G’ button that is already lit. Do you think I’m here to fucking trick you, you cunt?

Time Wasters

• Cleaning a vomit pot you know is going to get used again
• Touchin’ it
• Counting the seconds until the poison I swallowed kicks in
• Sharia law
• Touchin’ it s’more

Why We’re Lazy

• It’s not laziness, it’s paralysis
• Cuz we’re tired from tappin’ datas
• The Chronic
• Frozen crustless sandwiches ended last need for movement
• Shabbat
• I’ve been dead for eight days, but I have no friends to find me