Nicknames for My (male or female) Genitalia

November 13, 2009 - One Response
  • Dusty Springfield
  • Steve Buscemi
  • The Rape Whistle
  • The Hand That Feeds
  • Muggsy Bogues
  • Admiral Cockbar (It’s a cunt, baby)

Interesting Matchups

November 11, 2009 - Leave a Response
  • Josh’s butthole vs. Black hole for most massive void in space time continuum
  • Mark Teixeira vs. Sean Penn in I Am Sam retard-face contest
  • John Sexton vs. Muhammad the Prophet for influence in Abu Dhabi
  • Yankees fans vs. The City of San Francisco for biggest assholes contest
  • Genghis Khan vs. Kaiser Wilhelm for pointiest hat
  • The People vs. Chipotle
  • Sonic burger vs. my raging pot-induced munchies
  • Childhood innocence vs. Creepy Uncle McTouchesalot

How Many Copies of The Plague Should We Print?

November 10, 2009 - Leave a Response
  • 5, one for each of the staff members’ moms
  • 1 MEGAPLAGUE
  • NO BAEDEKERS
  • Enough to barricade Program Board in their own room
  • Enough to reach every civil rights organization on the Eastern Seaboard
  • 525,600 ah fuck it. I hate Rent but I’m outta numerically themed jokes. Deal with it!
  • Enough to fill Sexton’s massive, gaping… need for NYU themes satirical bi-annual publications

What Makes Us Puke

November 6, 2009 - Leave a Response
  • Hippo cock
  • Patron the drink
  • Patron the mexican drunk
  • Patrons of Johnny Rockets
  • Fat hipsters
  • Google image search of syphilis
  • The surgeon squeezing my stomach

Recession Foods

November 5, 2009 - Leave a Response
  • Reheated refried beans
  • Shit and lettuce
  • Just throw some fucking salt on it
  • Just throw some fucking D’s on it
  • Whatever’s left in the dumpster at Denny’s
  • Corn on the feet
  • Pre-prepared Gristedes meals

Advantages to Being a Furry

November 4, 2009 - Leave a Response
  • Get to hang out with Dean Braithwaite at all functions
  • Is that a second tail or are you just happy to see me?
  • No one will notice the syphilis
  • Makes my job at Disney World way more exciting
  • Can blame rape on being in “heat”
  • FUCK KEN JENKINS
  • Valid and accepted reason for suicide
  • Because, otherwise, fucking on top of a bear is kind of weird
  • Knowing what Chuck’s dick tastes like

Halloween Regrets

November 2, 2009 - Leave a Response
  • Too much lace, not enough skin
  • Ignoring weather report, insisting on paper mache
  • Going to a Yankees game still dressed as a decent person
  • Hooking up with a girl dressed as Kill Bill, finding out it was a German dude in a jumpsuit
  • Don’t just stare at it, eat it!
  • Hooked up with a girl, puked in her mouth so she started puking, turned into an endless puke fountain.
  • Getting the rage and not spreading it.

New Deodorant Scents

October 28, 2009 - One Response
  • Virgin
  • Williamsburg Musk
  • A-Train Stank
  • Hood Rat
  • Wet New York

New Illnesses

October 26, 2009 - Leave a Response
  • Pizza Face
  • Poker Face
  • Tracy Morgan Disorder
  • PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR!
  • Swine AIDS

Lesser Known Side Effects of Ambien

October 21, 2009 - Leave a Response
  • Increased heat vision
  • Steve Martin
  • Flagrant racism
  • Inward boners
  • Horse-sized dick
  • Dick-sized horse
  • Attending a showing of Where the Wild Things Are and audibly crying
  • Spontaneous fisting