Family-Friendly Travel Destinations

• Mr. Roger’s neighborhood
• Post-MJ Neverland Ranch
• Bottom of a wishing well
• A padded room
• I heard some parts of New Orleans are ready for white people

Things We Lost In The Fire

• Kerosene
• Triangle Shirtwaist Co. employees
• Homeowners insurance papers
• The privilege of smoking indoors
• Eight of New York’s bravest
• The deposit on the space heater
• Michael Jackson’s hair

An 8-year-old Terrorist’s Demands

• Flip Video Camera for ransom tapes
• Legos for fortress of doom
• 10 o’clock bedtime
• ALL the Pokemon cards
• One chance to trash sister’s room and steal her bras
• Arsenal of smelly markers
• Bigger sandbox training facility
• A beard

Euphamisms For The Womb

• The baby sack
• The other beer belly
• The kiln
• Mrs. Field’s Baking Factory
• The time-out corner

It Gets So Much Better…

• So much easier to get laid at NYU
• Trust me man, just bend over
• Straight girls will target you as an accessory
• You get a free latte at Think Coffee on Thursdays!
• You can finally craft your falsetto
• You like like less of a douche in tank tops

Realistic Superheroes

• The anonymous alcoholic
• The slutty, untalkative girl
• The stepdad who doesn’t help me with my training bra
• The Muslim with the power to make people perpetually suspicious and uncomfortable
• Diet Coke and Mentos lad
• Shalom Finkelstein
• The Downstein employee with a soul

Unknown Facts About Your Butthole

• It’s going to night school
• It prefers Charmin to Angel Soft
• It’s trying to quit smoking
• It’s on the move
• It won’t shut up about Ellen Paige
• If you listen closely you can hear the ocean
• It’s the president of the Nickelback fan club
• It’s not a fan of Sasha Grey

Failed Keebler Cookie Ideas

• Dark Chocolate Gary Colemans
• My Big Fat Italian Wedding Cookies
• Elf-dick surprise
• Hundreds of squirrels die as floods in Washington Square Park continue [Note: this contributor may have not known what the fuck this list was.]
• Pepperoni Nips
• Indentured Servant Snaps
• Figgity Faggities

What Brings This Many Women Together

• Arbor Mist!
• Dreamy eyes and a kind smile
• The menstrual magnet
• Daughters of Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain reunion
• Compiling hateful lists about men-bashing and why everyone should just be a lesbian
• Chocolate-covered dildos with a sense of humor and a job that pays well

What Christine O’Donnell Dreams About

• The 1870′s, the last time her morals were popular
• Alternative uses for all of the lube people keep mailing her
• Shake-weights
• The Scarlet Letter applied to modern society and hand lotion
• That time she made it with her cousin, Old McDonald